It's not often that I say that. I typically take on the preamble of my Grandfather, that the olden days are long gone and all has gone to shit.
But, no, last night Barak Obama took the nomination for the Democratic Presidential nomination. The "negro" (hushed when my grandmother said the term, and often), who was raised by a single mother intermixed with dedicated yet equally troubled grandparents, forced to move in a constant state, struggled with outside influences (namely drugs and alcohol for Barak, other items for myself) and even shared the same change in every day name (Barry to Barak; Bo to Chasten)...I am bewildered, consternated, enlivened with enthusiasm. I am crying at the thought that *I* could have overcome in the same way that my comerade has overcome. Barak removes the "victim" attitude I so often carry. He removes it from the child raised by a single parent, he removes it from the child raised by the Grandparent, he removes it from the child raised under the pain of defiance (him being black, mine being physical abuse), he removes it from the minority (him being black, me being gay), he removes it from every excuse we could ever have.
*I AM BARAK OBAMA* He may not have the experience, he may not have the connections, he may not have the years, the pain, the challenges to be the President, but he has overcome all those and more to be an AMERICAN, just as *I* am an American, amidst all my struggles as an abused ward of the State of Montana, as an abandoned child of a 19 year old mother, as the child of a Grandmother whose husband worked hours on end providing for her as a long-haul trucker. *I AM BARAK OBAMA*. I am Chasten Bo Fulbright; called Bo all my life by my family until I took it upon myself and found the support of a *boyfriend* to be called by my rightful first name of Chasten.
More than being Barak Obama, *I AM AN AMERICAN*! A gay Christian with a degree in Biblical Literature from an Assemblies of God Univerisity, a white male abandoned on numerous occasions to Grandparents who couldn't actually be there for me, a physically abused baby who is to this day rejected by a father who claims no responsibility, a mentally abused adolescent who is to this day reject by step-fathers who claim no responsibility and reside behind the bars of various institutions including the instituion of death.
I am an ideologist who believes in the American dream with all his heart. Barak is an ideologist and he is also my hero. Just as JFK, FDR and Truman were heroes to my Grandfather and to the constituents of their time, so is Barak to mine.
All respect to Hillary, the heroism she provides to a separate set of individuals who look to her. Let's unite under ideologies that America can be what we've always thought it could be. A nation that looks after her children, that guarantees her children success, that provides for her children the tools to succeed. Let's unite under that. And if that ideology fails us, then we are doomed to fail; if that ideology unites us then we will unite under a flag so powerful, no terrorist or jidahist nation can ever defeat no matter how it attacks us!
I am a Christian, who loves God with all his heart, soul and strength. There is nothing anyone can do to separate me from the love that is evidenced by Christ...not Angels or Demons or Principalities, neither life nor death nor anything in between. I believe that Christ has sanctioned this Nation to represent what God truly repesents: the Love, Grace and Eternal Glory that Jesus died on the Cross to represent for us. In all our incapability to achieve, He achieved for us. (I can expoud on this and its integration with other faiths in detail elsewhere). That Achievement is represented through Obama's & Hillary's passion for our Country. If that passion can be quelled by any other force, then so be it and we are destined for eternal failure. The *End* has then come and we may as well give up.
This rejoice would have been in response to either candidate's endorsement: God bless America for choosing correctly; finally, after an age or two of failure. God Bless America for choosing a nation run by a people who will listen to us, who will guarantee our inalienable rights such as the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. God Bless America.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Published
Yay; i'm "published"! LOL, actually, a site called schmap.com used my photo of New York's MoMA. When you search the site for museums on the East Coast and you scroll to the MoMA, my picture will scroll amongst about 10 others representing the place.
It's a long way from being really published, but it's definitely a step in the right direction!
Visit schmap.com here:
www.schmap.com/eastcoast/museums/p=5434/i=5434_4.jpg
It's a long way from being really published, but it's definitely a step in the right direction!
Visit schmap.com here:
www.schmap.com/eastcoast/museums/p=5434/i=5434_4.jpg
Friday, February 1, 2008
Speeding along
I took this picture on a cold night near my home. Its a difficult process getting a picture like this. You set the shutter speed around 1 to 1.3 seconds, and set the flash to reverse synchronization and then you ATTEMPT to click the shutter just as the subject enters the frame, and hope that 1.2 seconds later, the flash goes off and the shutter closes. That's how the bus shows up...although ghost-like. If I didn't do the flash, you'd just see streaming lights and would have no idea that a bus was involved. So, 2 hours later, I had 2 or 3 good shots, but this was the winner of the night.
ANYHOW, I wanted to blog about this photo because it represents the dichotomy between motion and reality. My idea of life and accomplishments represents the streaming lights. Things should be moving...constantly. There should be no stopping, no relaxing, no resting, no delays, no hindrances...just move move move move move. Accomplish!
Then comes the flash...that .1 second that enables you to see that all this streaming is coming from a bus...with METRO emblazened on the side. Sometimes in life, I fail to see the bus for the streaming lights.
In that fraction of a second where everything seems to stop...where no motion is occuring, I get hard on myself. "Why aren't we still moving? What have I done wrong?" Then I go into this self-depracating space where I get all depressed and fall further into the pit of inaction.
What I need to keep in mind is that THE BUS IS STILL MOVING! Just because I can see the damn thing doesn't mean it stopped...and even if it does stop, its for a purpose...you know, like resting, getting fuel, picking people up and dropping them off...you know stupid things like that.
All that to say its been a stop and go week. Food has been up and down, exercise has been down and down, finances has been stopped. Things aren't moving at the pace I'd like them to, but maybe its for a reason.
With the exercise thing, my friend John pointed out to me that exercise needs to be a lifestyle thing. I recognized that I just keep *adding* to my lifestyle...and failing. I'm not *changing* my lifestyle which is necessary to really make progress in that area.
Since I'm not quite sure how to do that, it'll be a good topic for future reflection.
In the meantime, I'll keep speeding along...at a snail's pace.
ANYHOW, I wanted to blog about this photo because it represents the dichotomy between motion and reality. My idea of life and accomplishments represents the streaming lights. Things should be moving...constantly. There should be no stopping, no relaxing, no resting, no delays, no hindrances...just move move move move move. Accomplish!
Then comes the flash...that .1 second that enables you to see that all this streaming is coming from a bus...with METRO emblazened on the side. Sometimes in life, I fail to see the bus for the streaming lights.
In that fraction of a second where everything seems to stop...where no motion is occuring, I get hard on myself. "Why aren't we still moving? What have I done wrong?" Then I go into this self-depracating space where I get all depressed and fall further into the pit of inaction.
What I need to keep in mind is that THE BUS IS STILL MOVING! Just because I can see the damn thing doesn't mean it stopped...and even if it does stop, its for a purpose...you know, like resting, getting fuel, picking people up and dropping them off...you know stupid things like that.
All that to say its been a stop and go week. Food has been up and down, exercise has been down and down, finances has been stopped. Things aren't moving at the pace I'd like them to, but maybe its for a reason.
With the exercise thing, my friend John pointed out to me that exercise needs to be a lifestyle thing. I recognized that I just keep *adding* to my lifestyle...and failing. I'm not *changing* my lifestyle which is necessary to really make progress in that area.
Since I'm not quite sure how to do that, it'll be a good topic for future reflection.
In the meantime, I'll keep speeding along...at a snail's pace.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Mountains and Industry
One juxtaposition that I really enjoy about the Northwest is industry and nature. Like in the photo, Seattle thrives on the shipping industry as well as aerospace, technology, biomedical and retail. However, Seattle also thrives on its amazingly beautiful landscape. As much as this landscape lends itself to our industry, it also hinders it. The thousands of islands, narrow strips of land, mountains on both sides, and a huge volcano looming behind us are all hindrances. We're not another MidWest town as flat as can possibly be.
So what's so relevant about that to me? I thrive on being industrious; accomplishments push me forward, but so many times the mountainous hurdles are overwhelming.
I've always wanted to climb Mt. Rainier. At one point, I had a goal to climb by the time I was 30. Well, that didn't happen, but it will one day. In the meantime, I keep running into mini Mt. Rainier's in my journey of life. Some of them bigger than others, but hurdles none-the-less.
I've started this year with full intent on taking care of myself. I started out well in all areas including finances, diet, health, and mental health. Getting sick set me back a little at the gym, but I've recovered. I'm eating substantially better; I haven't had red meat for nearly 3 weeks. Although the M&M's laying in piles around the office are NOT helping!
It seems like I started up this mountain strong, took a period to circle it a bit and am moving back up, although a bit more slowly.
Another mountain I've run into is a huge change to my job landscape. Ownership in the company has changed, leadership has changed, everything's changing. Now, I'm all for change, but I like it to be participant driven, not driven by a single overlord. So, I'm questioning my position here. I was called by a recruiter this week and I have an interview next week for an analyst position with a huge pay increase.
However, I'm not an analyst! I'm a data geek, I love to analyze data in my uneducated way but here I am going to an interview at a company that I probably don't qualify for. However, I've jumped in over my head before and come out very wet yet alive. The only problem with that is the commitment to myself not to change anything for 2 years. I really need to learn how to live in a stable environment!
So, I'm going to go to the interview with the confidence I typically have in those situations and see what comes of it. If I get offered the job, I'll present it to Lorig before I take it. If they can't meet my expectations for job quality, benefits and salary, then I'll make the move. Besides, its the 42nd story of the Columbia Center...think of the view!
Onwards...upwards...
So what's so relevant about that to me? I thrive on being industrious; accomplishments push me forward, but so many times the mountainous hurdles are overwhelming.
I've always wanted to climb Mt. Rainier. At one point, I had a goal to climb by the time I was 30. Well, that didn't happen, but it will one day. In the meantime, I keep running into mini Mt. Rainier's in my journey of life. Some of them bigger than others, but hurdles none-the-less.
I've started this year with full intent on taking care of myself. I started out well in all areas including finances, diet, health, and mental health. Getting sick set me back a little at the gym, but I've recovered. I'm eating substantially better; I haven't had red meat for nearly 3 weeks. Although the M&M's laying in piles around the office are NOT helping!
It seems like I started up this mountain strong, took a period to circle it a bit and am moving back up, although a bit more slowly.
Another mountain I've run into is a huge change to my job landscape. Ownership in the company has changed, leadership has changed, everything's changing. Now, I'm all for change, but I like it to be participant driven, not driven by a single overlord. So, I'm questioning my position here. I was called by a recruiter this week and I have an interview next week for an analyst position with a huge pay increase.
However, I'm not an analyst! I'm a data geek, I love to analyze data in my uneducated way but here I am going to an interview at a company that I probably don't qualify for. However, I've jumped in over my head before and come out very wet yet alive. The only problem with that is the commitment to myself not to change anything for 2 years. I really need to learn how to live in a stable environment!
So, I'm going to go to the interview with the confidence I typically have in those situations and see what comes of it. If I get offered the job, I'll present it to Lorig before I take it. If they can't meet my expectations for job quality, benefits and salary, then I'll make the move. Besides, its the 42nd story of the Columbia Center...think of the view!
Onwards...upwards...
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Self-Care
Here we are in a new year, which stupidly signifies new beginnings. I usually shirk the false meanings that people give times of year, but for some reason a new year always starts with new beginnings. Spring does the same for me; it's one of the reasons Easter is my favorite holiday. It's another day to start afresh.
As demised from previous blogs, I'm really trying to take self-care seriously; from my general health to my mental well-being and everything in between. I've made great progress with my financial well-being and was very proud to make it through Christmas without breaking the bank.
Last week, I visited the doctor and learned that my triglycerides were off the charts, coming in at around 799 (400 is high). I'm having my lipids retested this week with a better fast, along with a glucose load test, but my cholesterol is still high. I was put on medication and after asking my family if this was common, every last member emailed me to let me know what TWO medications they were on. Now my family isn't a picture of health in any way shape or form, but I think this is mostly from genetics. None-the-less, this drove the point home that I need to take care of myself like I never have before.
I went to the gym twice this week. On Wednesday, I worked out for an hour; half on a bike and half on a treadmill. Yesterday, I went back and did 5 - 12 minute miles on the treadmill. This was the first time I've run 5 miles in my life! The exercize felt great, as is to be expected. I still feel like an idiot at the gym not knowing what to do or how to stretch or anything. As much experience as I've had at a gym, with a private trainer, etc, the place still doesn't make any sense to me. My workout partner is off to Mexico for the month getting married, so I'm on my own. I left her to her own devices for the last 8 months, so I guess this is what I get.
I'm also going to start seeing a therapist for the first time in 6 years on Monday. After 13 years of reparative type therapy, it'll be interesting to experience it from a completely different perspective. I think I have the source of my depression pinpointed; I just don't know how to overcome it. I grew up in an abusive environment and that is modus operandi for me. I don't know how to cope with a non-destructive, non-chaotic, stable environment. My job is perfect, I'm stable, I have stable friends, I don't have anyone in my life that is trying to destroy me except for me. Now that everything is working in my favor, I have no clue how to cope with life. I need to learn how to progress, succeed, and accomplish with the same vigor as I do when the whole world is against me.
So, progress is happening in my life and I think 2008 is going to be an amazing year as long as I don't self-sabotage. I haven't really made specific goals yet for 2008 (fear of failure...don't want to pinpoint it), but I'll give some general ideas:
Finances: have 3 mos salary in savings
Health: visit doctor regularly, take care of my cholesterol
Diet: avoid red meat (boohoo); reduce refined sugars by 50% (I did a whole year with none, so this *should* be achievable)
Weight: Lose 25 pounds (the amount I gained in the past 2 years)
Exercise: 3x/week and run a half marathon
Relax: Go to Hawaii for 1 week and actually enjoy myself
Education: Take a photography class, language class or take GMAT in prep for an MIB (international business)
As demised from previous blogs, I'm really trying to take self-care seriously; from my general health to my mental well-being and everything in between. I've made great progress with my financial well-being and was very proud to make it through Christmas without breaking the bank.
Last week, I visited the doctor and learned that my triglycerides were off the charts, coming in at around 799 (400 is high). I'm having my lipids retested this week with a better fast, along with a glucose load test, but my cholesterol is still high. I was put on medication and after asking my family if this was common, every last member emailed me to let me know what TWO medications they were on. Now my family isn't a picture of health in any way shape or form, but I think this is mostly from genetics. None-the-less, this drove the point home that I need to take care of myself like I never have before.
I went to the gym twice this week. On Wednesday, I worked out for an hour; half on a bike and half on a treadmill. Yesterday, I went back and did 5 - 12 minute miles on the treadmill. This was the first time I've run 5 miles in my life! The exercize felt great, as is to be expected. I still feel like an idiot at the gym not knowing what to do or how to stretch or anything. As much experience as I've had at a gym, with a private trainer, etc, the place still doesn't make any sense to me. My workout partner is off to Mexico for the month getting married, so I'm on my own. I left her to her own devices for the last 8 months, so I guess this is what I get.
I'm also going to start seeing a therapist for the first time in 6 years on Monday. After 13 years of reparative type therapy, it'll be interesting to experience it from a completely different perspective. I think I have the source of my depression pinpointed; I just don't know how to overcome it. I grew up in an abusive environment and that is modus operandi for me. I don't know how to cope with a non-destructive, non-chaotic, stable environment. My job is perfect, I'm stable, I have stable friends, I don't have anyone in my life that is trying to destroy me except for me. Now that everything is working in my favor, I have no clue how to cope with life. I need to learn how to progress, succeed, and accomplish with the same vigor as I do when the whole world is against me.
So, progress is happening in my life and I think 2008 is going to be an amazing year as long as I don't self-sabotage. I haven't really made specific goals yet for 2008 (fear of failure...don't want to pinpoint it), but I'll give some general ideas:
Finances: have 3 mos salary in savings
Health: visit doctor regularly, take care of my cholesterol
Diet: avoid red meat (boohoo); reduce refined sugars by 50% (I did a whole year with none, so this *should* be achievable)
Weight: Lose 25 pounds (the amount I gained in the past 2 years)
Exercise: 3x/week and run a half marathon
Relax: Go to Hawaii for 1 week and actually enjoy myself
Education: Take a photography class, language class or take GMAT in prep for an MIB (international business)
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Christmas in Montana
I went home for Christmas as usual. Friday I had my studless studded tires put on my car and Saturday I ATTEMPTED driving to MT. However, I got just past North Bend and the slush was about 4" deep. In a RWD BMW, its hard to steer through that stuff and then the sign said chains required so I turned around and came home.
I attempted again on Sunday and was able to do the trip in 12 hours, which is about 3 to 4 hours too long.
I spent the first two nights in Great Falls with my Grandparents. Our family really does Christmas on Christmas Eve...with all the presents unwrapping and stuff. The youngest kids hand out all the presents and then we each take our turns unwrapping starting with the youngest and working our way to the oldest. That way we can all see what each other received and get to comment and laugh about everything.
I went picture crazy and took 280 pictures. I edited them down to the 58 I posted to flickr. I need to edit them a lot more. I pulled them all down that night and made a slide show for my family to see on Christmas day.
On Christmas day, we all went to my Mom's new house in Helena. It was a lot nicer than I thought it would be. My family has primarily lived in trailer houses and affordable housing, but my Mom's new house is a very nice modular home with a garage and a nice yard and everything. I was really happy for her.
The picture is of my brother Jake, his fiancee Heather and their 4 month old baby, Max (Maximus Jake Deshner). Max was born with a gastrointestinal abnormality (his intestines were growing outside of his body). He was born premature so that they could put his insides back in him and get him sewed up and then he went into ICU for 3 weeks. It was originally supposed to be 9 weeks, but his recovery was so quick that he got out early. Now, he's healthy and happy and completely utterly adorable! I could just hold the little guy forever.
I drove back Wednesday and the roads were really good so it only took me 8 hours, which is the standard time for good roads. I think I drove a little fast through Snoqualmie with the freezing rain, but I got home perfectly safe.
I attempted again on Sunday and was able to do the trip in 12 hours, which is about 3 to 4 hours too long.
I spent the first two nights in Great Falls with my Grandparents. Our family really does Christmas on Christmas Eve...with all the presents unwrapping and stuff. The youngest kids hand out all the presents and then we each take our turns unwrapping starting with the youngest and working our way to the oldest. That way we can all see what each other received and get to comment and laugh about everything.
I went picture crazy and took 280 pictures. I edited them down to the 58 I posted to flickr. I need to edit them a lot more. I pulled them all down that night and made a slide show for my family to see on Christmas day.
On Christmas day, we all went to my Mom's new house in Helena. It was a lot nicer than I thought it would be. My family has primarily lived in trailer houses and affordable housing, but my Mom's new house is a very nice modular home with a garage and a nice yard and everything. I was really happy for her.
The picture is of my brother Jake, his fiancee Heather and their 4 month old baby, Max (Maximus Jake Deshner). Max was born with a gastrointestinal abnormality (his intestines were growing outside of his body). He was born premature so that they could put his insides back in him and get him sewed up and then he went into ICU for 3 weeks. It was originally supposed to be 9 weeks, but his recovery was so quick that he got out early. Now, he's healthy and happy and completely utterly adorable! I could just hold the little guy forever.
I drove back Wednesday and the roads were really good so it only took me 8 hours, which is the standard time for good roads. I think I drove a little fast through Snoqualmie with the freezing rain, but I got home perfectly safe.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Self Reflection
I've been recently having symptoms of depression without those lost feelings of depression that I've felt before. I therefore decided to go see a Dr. for the first time in 4 or 5 years.
Leading up to that, I've been chatting with friends about it and realizing how much support I have from them. I have in a profile somewhere that says my friends are my family and that really is true.
When speaking with my friends its always like looking into a mirror except that each of those mirrors are shaped just a little differently and only through careful contemplation of my distorted appearance in each of those mirrors, can I see my true self.
All mirrors are distorted to some extent, but the one I look at on my own is really distorted. It's nice to get a clearer picture every once in a while. However, I have to actually believe what I see when I get that clearer perspective.
Moving forward none-the-less...
Leading up to that, I've been chatting with friends about it and realizing how much support I have from them. I have in a profile somewhere that says my friends are my family and that really is true.
When speaking with my friends its always like looking into a mirror except that each of those mirrors are shaped just a little differently and only through careful contemplation of my distorted appearance in each of those mirrors, can I see my true self.
All mirrors are distorted to some extent, but the one I look at on my own is really distorted. It's nice to get a clearer picture every once in a while. However, I have to actually believe what I see when I get that clearer perspective.
Moving forward none-the-less...
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