I went home for Christmas as usual. Friday I had my studless studded tires put on my car and Saturday I ATTEMPTED driving to MT. However, I got just past North Bend and the slush was about 4" deep. In a RWD BMW, its hard to steer through that stuff and then the sign said chains required so I turned around and came home.
I attempted again on Sunday and was able to do the trip in 12 hours, which is about 3 to 4 hours too long.
I spent the first two nights in Great Falls with my Grandparents. Our family really does Christmas on Christmas Eve...with all the presents unwrapping and stuff. The youngest kids hand out all the presents and then we each take our turns unwrapping starting with the youngest and working our way to the oldest. That way we can all see what each other received and get to comment and laugh about everything.
I went picture crazy and took 280 pictures. I edited them down to the 58 I posted to flickr. I need to edit them a lot more. I pulled them all down that night and made a slide show for my family to see on Christmas day.
On Christmas day, we all went to my Mom's new house in Helena. It was a lot nicer than I thought it would be. My family has primarily lived in trailer houses and affordable housing, but my Mom's new house is a very nice modular home with a garage and a nice yard and everything. I was really happy for her.
The picture is of my brother Jake, his fiancee Heather and their 4 month old baby, Max (Maximus Jake Deshner). Max was born with a gastrointestinal abnormality (his intestines were growing outside of his body). He was born premature so that they could put his insides back in him and get him sewed up and then he went into ICU for 3 weeks. It was originally supposed to be 9 weeks, but his recovery was so quick that he got out early. Now, he's healthy and happy and completely utterly adorable! I could just hold the little guy forever.
I drove back Wednesday and the roads were really good so it only took me 8 hours, which is the standard time for good roads. I think I drove a little fast through Snoqualmie with the freezing rain, but I got home perfectly safe.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Self Reflection
I've been recently having symptoms of depression without those lost feelings of depression that I've felt before. I therefore decided to go see a Dr. for the first time in 4 or 5 years.
Leading up to that, I've been chatting with friends about it and realizing how much support I have from them. I have in a profile somewhere that says my friends are my family and that really is true.
When speaking with my friends its always like looking into a mirror except that each of those mirrors are shaped just a little differently and only through careful contemplation of my distorted appearance in each of those mirrors, can I see my true self.
All mirrors are distorted to some extent, but the one I look at on my own is really distorted. It's nice to get a clearer picture every once in a while. However, I have to actually believe what I see when I get that clearer perspective.
Moving forward none-the-less...
Leading up to that, I've been chatting with friends about it and realizing how much support I have from them. I have in a profile somewhere that says my friends are my family and that really is true.
When speaking with my friends its always like looking into a mirror except that each of those mirrors are shaped just a little differently and only through careful contemplation of my distorted appearance in each of those mirrors, can I see my true self.
All mirrors are distorted to some extent, but the one I look at on my own is really distorted. It's nice to get a clearer picture every once in a while. However, I have to actually believe what I see when I get that clearer perspective.
Moving forward none-the-less...
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Reaching
The Olympic Sculpture Park features this fountain sculpture at its Western entrance between the Waterfront and Myrtle Edwards Park. The sculpture is of a boy and a man. Each are reaching out to one another. However, one of them is always obscured by the water. In this view, the boy is visible and the father is not.
There are a lot of powerful messages in this sculpture and I could go down a lot of roads exploring those messages, but I'll resist that urge and just talk about the concept of reaching.
Reaching: where you're grasping for something that you can't define, can't see, can't grasp. Whether it be an idea, accomplishment, conclusion, etc. As evident my prior blog, Ambition, I know what I want in a general idea, but all the desires seem so obscured. If the desire is obvious then I'm obscured by busy-ness, general insanity or other distractions. If I'm clear, then the desires are obscured by who knows what.
Whatever the case, I'm having a hard time seeing my desires in a light that enables me to actually grasp them.
So, for now, I'm just making progress on the areas that I do see clearly, few as they may be.
I'm making progress financially. November was a very good month. December is looking okay so far, I just can't spoil my family like I usually do. My car has an issue that I may not be able to afford this month without using credit or delving into savings, so I may not go home for Christmas. Furthermore, since Lorig has so much money out in the projects its building that they don't have cash flow enough to do bonuses at this time. Being that I took the job considering a substantial annual bonus, I'm quite disappointed.
I'd start consulting a bit to help things out, but I promised myself I wouldn't take on additional jobs in order to maintain stability. Speaking of stability, I had been getting prepared foods from Trader Joe's to make sure I ate 3 meals daily on a budget. However, after noticing the massive amount of calories and especially calories from fat in those prepared meals last week, I didn't get all that food. That means I ate out every day this week, which is never a help to the budget. I need to figure out another stability-inducing ploy to keep me eating on a budget.
So, I'm making progress, not as much as I'd prefer nor toward all the areas that I'd prefer, but progress none-the-less and with time it will only increase.
There are a lot of powerful messages in this sculpture and I could go down a lot of roads exploring those messages, but I'll resist that urge and just talk about the concept of reaching.
Reaching: where you're grasping for something that you can't define, can't see, can't grasp. Whether it be an idea, accomplishment, conclusion, etc. As evident my prior blog, Ambition, I know what I want in a general idea, but all the desires seem so obscured. If the desire is obvious then I'm obscured by busy-ness, general insanity or other distractions. If I'm clear, then the desires are obscured by who knows what.
Whatever the case, I'm having a hard time seeing my desires in a light that enables me to actually grasp them.
So, for now, I'm just making progress on the areas that I do see clearly, few as they may be.
I'm making progress financially. November was a very good month. December is looking okay so far, I just can't spoil my family like I usually do. My car has an issue that I may not be able to afford this month without using credit or delving into savings, so I may not go home for Christmas. Furthermore, since Lorig has so much money out in the projects its building that they don't have cash flow enough to do bonuses at this time. Being that I took the job considering a substantial annual bonus, I'm quite disappointed.
I'd start consulting a bit to help things out, but I promised myself I wouldn't take on additional jobs in order to maintain stability. Speaking of stability, I had been getting prepared foods from Trader Joe's to make sure I ate 3 meals daily on a budget. However, after noticing the massive amount of calories and especially calories from fat in those prepared meals last week, I didn't get all that food. That means I ate out every day this week, which is never a help to the budget. I need to figure out another stability-inducing ploy to keep me eating on a budget.
So, I'm making progress, not as much as I'd prefer nor toward all the areas that I'd prefer, but progress none-the-less and with time it will only increase.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Snow
Big fluffy white flakes of snow fell from Seattle's skies yesterday and has teased us with smaller flakes even this morning.
I took the shot from the roof of my building North down Eastlake towards the University District. You can see the Ship Lake Canal Bridge at the very top of the photo. Of course, it doesn't look overly snowed in here due to the ground heat melting the snow on impact.
It's been hovering around 32 degrees F since noon yesterday when it started snowing. I really hate freezing weather and I don't like snow in the city, but it is a nice way to kick of December.
Driving has been a breeze with the lack of traffic, pedestrian traffic is thinned to the slightly braver crowd. Of course, I did spot the car prowler checking for unlocked doors. A good day to steal a car since everyone's snug in their down comforters sitting close to their fireplaces or space heaters or what have you.
After yesterday's blog and discussing it with good friends over a little beer, I'm peaceful today. I'm not hard on myself, not overdemanding, slightly more content today. So, I'll take it while it lasts and enjoy the cozy day indoors.
I took the shot from the roof of my building North down Eastlake towards the University District. You can see the Ship Lake Canal Bridge at the very top of the photo. Of course, it doesn't look overly snowed in here due to the ground heat melting the snow on impact.
It's been hovering around 32 degrees F since noon yesterday when it started snowing. I really hate freezing weather and I don't like snow in the city, but it is a nice way to kick of December.
Driving has been a breeze with the lack of traffic, pedestrian traffic is thinned to the slightly braver crowd. Of course, I did spot the car prowler checking for unlocked doors. A good day to steal a car since everyone's snug in their down comforters sitting close to their fireplaces or space heaters or what have you.
After yesterday's blog and discussing it with good friends over a little beer, I'm peaceful today. I'm not hard on myself, not overdemanding, slightly more content today. So, I'll take it while it lasts and enjoy the cozy day indoors.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Ambition
I've kept blogs and journals for years; hopefully they're all safe and secure somewhere in the bowels of backup drives and servers in far off places. But here I am again in an attempt to reinstate the publication of my life in all its sanity, insanity and everything in between.
I recently read a new friend's blog, Andrew, and it made me realize how much I miss blogging/journaling and how beneficial it has been for me in the past.
I begin this blog with a discussion on ambition. I feel like life is slowing down. I'm as busy as ever, but my ambition to tackle all the things I've been challenged with in life up to this point is waning. I'm not starting businesses, running ministries, feverishly analyzing my goals and how to accomplish them or anything of the sort. My ambition at work is waning; I'm not taking on huge challenges and spending whatever time it takes to accomplish them. I'm putting in just enough and I'm probably even at a bit of a deficit.
In fact, ever since this new job, I think I've felt defeated. After doing what I did at Wilkinson and learning as much as I did...and getting burnt out as bad as I did; I haven't recovered. I'm still burnt out. I don't want to try very hard any more. I think I'm afriad of either failing or getting burnt out again.
I also regret destabilizing my life from before Wilkinson. I hated my job, but I was stable. I was working out regularly, creating personal wealth, accomplishing huge personal goals both financially and physically. I tossed that all away to try to enhance my career.
I successfully did that, but at a huge cost. Overall, I'm happy, but not with my job or my health. I love where I live, I love my friends, I love my family, I even love myself. I completely accept myself for exactly who I am (for the most part). I'm even less self-deprecating and instead of defaulting to a feeling of rejection in social situations, I'm taking them by the horns and being the best friend I can be in the moment. Unfortunately, my job and avoiding the gym takes up most of my time. The happy moments are relegated to a few evenings and some weekends.
I've really enjoyed meeting new people like Andy, Stephen, Andrew and John. I've also enjoyed having deeper relationships with Scott, Aric and Eric. These people are my family and I love them to death.
I recently read a new friend's blog, Andrew, and it made me realize how much I miss blogging/journaling and how beneficial it has been for me in the past.
I begin this blog with a discussion on ambition. I feel like life is slowing down. I'm as busy as ever, but my ambition to tackle all the things I've been challenged with in life up to this point is waning. I'm not starting businesses, running ministries, feverishly analyzing my goals and how to accomplish them or anything of the sort. My ambition at work is waning; I'm not taking on huge challenges and spending whatever time it takes to accomplish them. I'm putting in just enough and I'm probably even at a bit of a deficit.
In fact, ever since this new job, I think I've felt defeated. After doing what I did at Wilkinson and learning as much as I did...and getting burnt out as bad as I did; I haven't recovered. I'm still burnt out. I don't want to try very hard any more. I think I'm afriad of either failing or getting burnt out again.
I also regret destabilizing my life from before Wilkinson. I hated my job, but I was stable. I was working out regularly, creating personal wealth, accomplishing huge personal goals both financially and physically. I tossed that all away to try to enhance my career.
I successfully did that, but at a huge cost. Overall, I'm happy, but not with my job or my health. I love where I live, I love my friends, I love my family, I even love myself. I completely accept myself for exactly who I am (for the most part). I'm even less self-deprecating and instead of defaulting to a feeling of rejection in social situations, I'm taking them by the horns and being the best friend I can be in the moment. Unfortunately, my job and avoiding the gym takes up most of my time. The happy moments are relegated to a few evenings and some weekends.
I've really enjoyed meeting new people like Andy, Stephen, Andrew and John. I've also enjoyed having deeper relationships with Scott, Aric and Eric. These people are my family and I love them to death.
I want my ambition back. I want that kid that, although behind the veil of hard-core religion, stood up for what he believed, led youth groups, and started ministries to some of Seattle's tough neighborhoods. I want that kid who started a neighborhood recycling program at 14, a lawn mowing business with 2 employees and 52 laws a week at 15 and a water gardening business at 18. I even want the guy that started a property management company in Iowa at 29. I want that young man that overcame a life of abuse and poverty while living in trailer houses in Montana all his life. I want that guy that took on a ton of debt from school and post-school mistakes and overcame them with focused and disciplined budgeting. I want that guy who went to the gym at least 3 times a week and took care of himself. I want that guy that fell into a destructive relationship much like all his mother's relationship and was able to escape without hurting all the rest of the people in his life.
The business traveling I did in 2005/6 destroyed all sense of stability and all my weaknesses were laid bare. I regained every last penny of debt, gained 25 pounds, lost connection with many friends, I wore myself out far more than I could handle.
So what do I have now? I'm 31. I work for one of the most prestious and well-respected development companies in Seattle. I make twice as much as I did 3 years ago. I have stability, mostly forced by the debt, but still. I've been to Italy - a dream of mine since I was 12. I've backed off the work-a-holism and only hold one job now. I have several real estate investors who respect my work. I've recently renewed my passion for photography and have posted over 1800 pics on my flickr account.
Despite all this, I'm still burnt out.
I want enough ambition back to get back to the gym; I really want to climb Mt. Rainier and do a marathon and/or triathalon and I want to feel attractive again. I want enough ambition to start my own management company or at least bring in a big client to Lorig. I'm good at making money for other people; I want enough ambition to learn how to make it for myself. I want enough ambition to realize that great person inside of me and be part of a loving relationship. I want enough ambition to take care of myself like I never have before. I want enough ambition to ask for help. I want enough ambition to write the book so many people have told me to write.
I keep telling myself that if I continue to develop stability, all the rest will fall into place and I certainly hope that is true. After reflecting on what I just wrote, I sound really depressed, but I don't feel depressed...just frustrated and helpless.
Journaling has always helped me move forward as its been a point of reference from which I can grow. Hopefully future posts will evidence growth in all these areas.
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